well shit

Nov. 15th, 2011 04:04 pm
cornhobble: (Xena will fuck your shit up)
Damn, I've totally been ignoring lj and y'all. I feel so baaaaaad for posting even though I'm not up with my flist, omg. /guilttrip

So I'm beginning to think I'm a trans guy, or perhaps a touch genderqueer. I don't really know what to do with this revelation, tbh. I thought I'd finally settled into my identity as a masculine-of-center queer woman; I was happy, I was connecting with other queer ladies, LIFE IS GOOD.

But I just... okay. So then I bought a binder the other day. It was too big, I have a DD chest, so the results were less than satisfactory. And I was devastated. DEVASTATED. I did not realize how much I cared; when I bought the binder I told myself I just wanted to achieve a flat look, plenty of butches* bind, it didn't mean anything. But it did.

When I think of myself as a guy, everything makes so much sense. It clicks. Certain things still make me wonder, and I reserve the right to change my mind, but I'm definitely questioning my gender rn.

It's not just the binder; it's how I subconsciously tried to pass as a guy, even when I thought I was just dressing dykey; it's how excited and happy I get when the guy at Burger King call's me "sir"; it's a million little things that make me think, HOLY SHIT I AM MIGHT BE A DUDE.

It's not like I'm sure, though. I might eventually realize I am 100% lady and this was just a momentary confusion.

I'm just... I'm really scared, flist. Trans* people have it bad. I don't think I could ever pass without hormones and surgery. The thought of having to tell my parents to call me another name/pronoun makes me want to hide forever. I don't even think I could tell people I know. And what if I realize later on that I was wrong?

Well fuck.

*I didn't/don't really identify as butch, but it's close enough.
cornhobble: (.Puck - Loser)
So, ~ladies, do you ever notice guys acting overly condescending to you but not towards other guys?

I've noticed it a lot lately. I've been reluctant to say anything because I thought it was my shitty self-esteem imagining things or me being oversensitive, but I'm noticing a definite trend here. :|

To the story: we did peer reviews in my writing class. My essay was shit and too short, so I wasn't happy with it. I was in a group with two guys and we traded papers. Then came concrit. Like I said, my essay was too short and shitty, but one of the guys was just... idk, there was a definite condescending vibe in the room. And his essay definitely wasn't any better than mine.

SIGH. I guess it could be run-of-the-mill everyday smugness, but when I'm dealing with smug women the dynamic is never quite the same. :/ I think maybe it's a combination of the two -- doesn't have to be either or, amirite?

I hate being in situations where I'm the only girl. I never felt this way before! But now even when the guys are being nice enough I tend to feel uncomfortable. There's this feeling of inadequacy that I get less around women, but I'm not sure if that's the guys or me. I could be projecting.

idk, flist. I DO NOT KNOW. It's also 3 in the morning so I shouldn't be posting rn, lol.


cornhobble: (Default)

November 2011

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