Nov. 15th, 2011

well shit

Nov. 15th, 2011 04:04 pm
cornhobble: (Xena will fuck your shit up)
Damn, I've totally been ignoring lj and y'all. I feel so baaaaaad for posting even though I'm not up with my flist, omg. /guilttrip

So I'm beginning to think I'm a trans guy, or perhaps a touch genderqueer. I don't really know what to do with this revelation, tbh. I thought I'd finally settled into my identity as a masculine-of-center queer woman; I was happy, I was connecting with other queer ladies, LIFE IS GOOD.

But I just... okay. So then I bought a binder the other day. It was too big, I have a DD chest, so the results were less than satisfactory. And I was devastated. DEVASTATED. I did not realize how much I cared; when I bought the binder I told myself I just wanted to achieve a flat look, plenty of butches* bind, it didn't mean anything. But it did.

When I think of myself as a guy, everything makes so much sense. It clicks. Certain things still make me wonder, and I reserve the right to change my mind, but I'm definitely questioning my gender rn.

It's not just the binder; it's how I subconsciously tried to pass as a guy, even when I thought I was just dressing dykey; it's how excited and happy I get when the guy at Burger King call's me "sir"; it's a million little things that make me think, HOLY SHIT I AM MIGHT BE A DUDE.

It's not like I'm sure, though. I might eventually realize I am 100% lady and this was just a momentary confusion.

I'm just... I'm really scared, flist. Trans* people have it bad. I don't think I could ever pass without hormones and surgery. The thought of having to tell my parents to call me another name/pronoun makes me want to hide forever. I don't even think I could tell people I know. And what if I realize later on that I was wrong?

Well fuck.

*I didn't/don't really identify as butch, but it's close enough.


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