well shit

[cornhobble]

Damn, I've totally been ignoring lj and y'all. I feel so baaaaaad for posting even though I'm not up with my flist, omg. /guilttrip

So I'm beginning to think I'm a trans guy, or perhaps a touch genderqueer. I don't really know what to do with this revelation, tbh. I thought I'd finally settled into my identity as a masculine-of-center queer woman; I was happy, I was connecting with other queer ladies, LIFE IS GOOD.

But I just... okay. So then I bought a binder the other day. It was too big, I have a DD chest, so the results were less than satisfactory. And I was devastated. DEVASTATED. I did not realize how much I cared; when I bought the binder I told myself I just wanted to achieve a flat look, plenty of butches* bind, it didn't mean anything. But it did.

When I think of myself as a guy, everything makes so much sense. It clicks. Certain things still make me wonder, and I reserve the right to change my mind, but I'm definitely questioning my gender rn.

It's not just the binder; it's how I subconsciously tried to pass as a guy, even when I thought I was just dressing dykey; it's how excited and happy I get when the guy at Burger King call's me "sir"; it's a million little things that make me think, HOLY SHIT I AM MIGHT BE A DUDE.

It's not like I'm sure, though. I might eventually realize I am 100% lady and this was just a momentary confusion.

I'm just... I'm really scared, flist. Trans* people have it bad. I don't think I could ever pass without hormones and surgery. The thought of having to tell my parents to call me another name/pronoun makes me want to hide forever. I don't even think I could tell people I know. And what if I realize later on that I was wrong?

Well fuck.

--
*I didn't/don't really identify as butch, but it's close enough.

Comments

[rellan.livejournal.com]

Confusion is normal. Scared is normal.

My advice: google LGBT and visit some sites. Maybe join some transgender communities. Talk to others going through the same-ish things as you. Do you have a local community that you could go to in RL? Try that.

http://chazbono.net/ Sure, he's a celebrity but he's gone through the female to male process.

Breathe. Try to relax. You don't have make a definite, written in stone, now and forever amen decision right now. Or ever, for that matter.

You consider yourself male. That makes you happy. Then that is your starting point.

I won't say things will be great and your family wonderful and supporting. I will say that you should make you happy. Because you are the one person you can never get away from and if you're miserable from suppressing who you are...

So. Chill, have some peanut butter and find some people who will support you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[cornhobble.livejournal.com]

Have I mentioned how awesome you are lately? Whenever I have a crisis you're always there, calm and rational and shit and making way too much sense. ♥_♥

My college has a pretty good lgbt community, and I know there are some trans* clubs, so I think I'll start there.

Because you are the one person you can never get away from and if you're miserable from suppressing who you are...

I'm just going to repeat this over and over to myself when I start freaking out about how other people would react. It's so true, but it's so easy to forget.

I'm still confused/nervous as hell, but you're right -- I don't have to make a final decision right now. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment, it means a lot. <3

[rellan.livejournal.com]

Oops, forgot one thing.

[[[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]]

[cornhobble.livejournal.com]

♥